The Inner Conversations of Finding a New Breast Lump

Two Years Ago

I did not plan to share this photo, but here it is. It illustrates the fear and sadness I felt being diagnosed with breast cancer at 33 years old, marked by empty eyes staring in bewilderment at the discoloration on my body. The bruise appeared after a biopsy I had two years ago when I discovered a lump in my right breast. While some find biopsies easy breezy compared to the treatments that follow most cancer diagnosis, for many women, myself included, biopsies are considered invasive and scary. Today, knowing other options exist to test for cancer, this is not something I want to repeat.

About A Month Ago

Ever since the doctors diagnosed me with cancer, I developed a habit of regularly touching my breasts. When treatment started, my doctors and I monitored the spot marked as cancerous by changes in size. This simple measurement determined if the low dose chemo was working. It also created a longstanding habit. A few weeks ago, while exploring my right breast, I found a new mass. Shortly following, I scheduled several doctor appointments. The suspicious finding had undoubtedly grown larger in only a couple of weeks, and the timing sucked. My last scan was over a year ago, and it was almost two years to the date of my diagnosis, April 9th, 2015.

Initially, I was confident this was not cancer. I have a team in place I trust. I strictly follow my plan. My cheats are hardly worth mentioning. And, recently, I’ve been springing out of bed, going to early morning yoga, experiencing huge improvements in my mood and brain function, and my hormonal cystic acne and PMS are practically nonexistent. This body had to be inhospitable to cancer.
Instead of panicking, I pulled out a few tools. One was my rebounder (mini-trampoline). I increased the frequency of breast castor oil packs and applied essential oils. I added a homeopathic medicine I had on hand for lymphatic support. And most importantly, I went inward to discover the meaning behind why this was happening by taking my meditation practice to the next level and significantly increasing my communication with God.
Initially, the conversations I had with God and my soul started out something like this. If this is cancer, I am ready. I am armed with so much more information today than I was two years ago. I can do this while teaching others to do it too. But I was betting against myself by assuming the worst, albeit with a significantly improved attitude than two years prior. I realized my habit was to become absorbed in fixing myself. I’d re-research what I’d already learned and seek out new protocols. I also had a habit of doubting and beating myself up by jumping to the conclusion that I was doing something wrong. Here’s where my faith deteriorated around the choices I’d made. I vowed not to do this. Instead, I committed to having faith that not matter what the outcome was, I was on the right path and whatever I needed to learn would be shown to me. I regained trust in my body’s ability to heal itself and intended to do any further healing while pursuing my passions, which included my work. Committing to my life vision would be a part of healing this time.
As my doctor appointments neared, fear, disbelief, and self-doubt crept in. I went mad for a moment. Seriously? If this is cancer, where am I going to go to heal? What does this say about what I’ve chosen? A recurrence does not support the message I’m here to share: our bodies are self-healing with the proper tools. Can’t I reach more people in need and be more inspiring from my already miraculous outcome? It’s not very motivating to see someone get rediagnosed. How much do I have to experience to make a difference in the world? Have I not experienced enough to teach others how to heal and find happiness? Please, let me make my journey more about having the confidence to show what I’ve already learned without any more disease.
After I had confirmed my appointment, I put everything aside and sunk into more prayer, journaling, contemplation, and meditation. I listened to God and recognized where I’d disconnected from myself and Him in an attempt to get ahead. I looked at where I wasn’t showing up in my life for myself and others the way I wanted. Last, I set the intention of what I wanted to create and prayed for it instead of leaving it up to chance. Over the last few weeks, I kept getting the message: slow down to go fast.
The Outcome
Fear came and went as I headed to my appointment. I had periods of fight or flight followed by moments of peace. I had a full thermogram, which captured my body from the base of my pelvic bone to head. During the appointment, we reviewed the findings. The tech told me the scan showed no signs of cancer. However, the report I received several days later, didn’t give me the same level of confidence. I will have a follow-up appointment this week, a second opinion and then will decide if further action is required. I received said report as I was on my way to a Beautycounter team event in Dallas, TX. I made a couple of phone calls, but it was too late to do much more than that, so I did my best to put my uncertainty aside and enjoy the event.
The next morning, I had a choice. I could put my energy into this lump or I could put it aside and be present for the extraordinarily inspiring Beautycounter Leadership Summit I was in town for. Given the lump could be any number of things, I chose the latter. The cyst could be a recurrence of cancer, my body cleaning some junk out and God’s way of letting me know that while I’ve made a lot of progress, it’s time we work together if I want to live out my purpose. I’ve given into fear for enough of my life, and it’s time to embrace faith one step at a time. I’m by no means ignoring what’s going on, but I’m choosing to believe in God, myself and my path. Charles R. Swindoll said, “Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.”
Thank you so much for reading and listening to what I have to say!
In gratitude, love & light,
Carly Hana

Comments 5

  1. Dana Loftus

    I love you babe. This is powerful, instructive and important on so many levels. Thanks for opening up and sharing. Your vulnerability is beautiful. Also, you’re an awesome writer! I can fully imagine the war and peace dialog going on inside your head (and heart) at all times. You’re not alone. And something I’m learning lately — sometimes it’s ok to take a few steps back to get a wider perspective and create space for something even better to show up. Also, you know what they say “life is like a slingshot. the farther back you’re pulled, the farther forward you’ll go”. Don’t give up. Stay focused. You’re so loved.

  2. Mary

    Sending so much love your way Carly! Thank you for sharing your story that undoubtedly is touching so many lives in a positive way including myself!

  3. Margge

    Oh Carly……sending love, warm thoughts and positive energy. I can understand the depth of despair that can visit you at odd times until you have a handle on it. You live your life so openly, and share so much of the struggles that you have been experiencing…… you are wise and a teacher and mentor to so many of us……. prayers and love being offered to you from me……

  4. anne mcdonald

    Carly wishing and praying for the best. You are at the helm , do your research , make sure the studies are based in sound science and you will find the best answer. As yo u remember Nurse Annie believes in sound scientific studies. You chose a different path than I would have chosen and that was ok. I prayed it was the right choice. God will help, prayer will help, support of friends will help and you most of all will be the deciding factor in this journey to wellness. Chose wisely. I pray the Lord will guide you. .You are beautiful and precious to all who know and love you, Anne

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